A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

WHAT I'D GIVE FOR FOOTAGE OF THE FIRST REHEARSAL OF "REST YOUR HEAD AGAINST MY INSTEP WHILE I JUMP OVER YOU": I have choreographed a little dance I like to call "Every Successful Female Contemporary SYTYCD Audition," and I'm going to teach it to you. I use some highly technical dance terminology, so if the terms are not self-explanatory, there will be a glossary at the end. Here it is:

1. The Twisty
2. Silent Movie Panic*
3. Single Lohan**
4. Sexy Fart Walk***
5. Argument with a Sock Puppet****
6. Mary Decker Slaney*****
7. Double Lohan******
8. Nap Time

And thus ends both my routine and the audition round of SYTYCD, the part of the show that has way too much boring filler but also features my favorite part -- the poppers doing their popping, which doesn't happen a lot once they have to do, say, the Foxtrot. Plus, that soccer ball thing was pretty cool. Although the choreographer + non-contestant dance looked like something straight out of World War Z: The Musical.

*Stagger around the stage and then pretend you can't pay the rent, maybe with your hand to your brow or your chest thrust out with both hands off to the side and a little behind you
**Kick leg way up in the air while facing audience. If you're college-dancer good, your leg will come right back down. If you're crazy-good, your leg will get stuck up there and you'll have to vamp a while with one foot pointing at the rigging.
***Walk sexy, but wave your hands artistically behind your caboose.
****Let most of your body take a breather, but do some crazy hand motions like gymnasts or street drunks.
*****Fall hard with one knee forward. Audience may think you fell, but you were just, choreographically speaking, evoking the spirit of falling.
******Standing jump-split, facing the audience. The male equivalent of this move is called the Lee Roth and is performed in buttless leather chaps. In answer to the obvious question of why the female version is not performed in buttless leather chaps: (a) network television; (b) high school contestants; (c) Utah auditions.