A List Of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago

UNFORTUNATELY, THE CENTRE COLLEGE PRAYING COLONELS AND THE HEIDELBERG STUDENT PRINCES FAILED TO ADVANCE FROM THE FIRST ROUND: But with the NCAA Division I men's basketball tournament field due to be announced, our friend Charlie has decided to give his patented MascotMatcher Protocol a test drive through the NCAA Division III men's tournament Elite Eight games on tap for tonight:

Amherst College Lord Jeffs v. Brandeis Judges: Snuggle up in your blanket, Louie, the verdict is in! Lord Jeffs
Ursinus Golden Bears v. Coast Guard Bears: At $1,000 an ounce, some bears glitter more than others. Golden Bears
Washington University in St. Louis Bears v. Milsaps College Majors: Salute and head back to hibernation. What are Milsaps? Majors.
Hope Flying Dutchmen v. Wheaton Thunder: The booming you hear is wooden shoes in the locker room. Back to your pot dens, gouda eaters. Thunder.

You can preregister for our annual free NCAA pool via this link.

e.t.a. 10pm: Lord Jeffs!, Golden Bears, Bears and Flying Dutchmen win. Charlie may have to adjust the ethnic settings for this year's tournament, as well as account for the fact that bears are giant, marauding, godless killing machines.