Thursday, September 21, 2006

APOLOGIES FOR THE TARDINESS TO FANS OF NATURALLY GAZELLE-LIKE GIRLS, BITCHES WHO POUR BEER IN OTHERS' WEAVES, VOLUNTARY SELF-WETTERS, AND EVA PIGFORD: Has it been almost 24 hours already since ANTM: The Quickening aired? Okay, sorry this is late.

Basically, this season is just like all the rest, except not as pervasively ugly as the last. A shopping list:
  • The short-haired lesbian
  • The rocker chick
  • The short girl with the big personality who's just as cute as a button and has no chance of winning but who will stick around until near the end because the judges just kind of like her
  • The really, really beautiful women who will be dismissed in weeks 6-9 because they are too "conventional" and who will go on to have more successful careers than everybody who outlasts them
  • Tyra's Self-Esteem Project, because Tyra hasn't figured out yet that spending the first two weeks of the season telling a (plus-sized/ethnic/homeless-looking) woman how beautiful she is and then spending the next three weeks telling her that she has lost her spark and seems beaten-down actually may not be the shortest path to self-acceptance (Note to Tyra: why not just sing Xtina's "Beautiful" to them? I'll bet that would work)
  • The girl who is such a bitch that she might print copies of her rules, including "I will treat you the same or worse than you treat me"
  • The ones who look like they wandered on the set accidentally because, really, models, really? (One of whom looks like an elongated Fiona Apple, by the way)
  • The girl who looks like she can unhinge her jaw and swallow a live boar (I swear, there's one every season)
Check, check, and check.

If you're in a discussion group, please consider the following topics:

1. If you were trying to fake having peed on a bed, would you sprinkle it all over? I don't think you have to be Encyclopedia Brown to know that most people don't amble when they pee.

2. Who ya got?

3. More likely to have a picture of self on nightstand: Trump or Tyra?

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