Saturday, March 19, 2005

INCONCEIVABLE! MascotMatcher 2005 took something of a beating last night, and I'd understand if you'd want to blame the system.

Don't. The system's fine. The data, however, was flawed. The computer was still working off the assumption that the Orangemen had not been gelded; that the Jayhawks had not broken up, and, of course, that Sen. Landrieu had already done all she could for the Acadians this week by selling out the Alaskan wilderness.

For today, however, we've got it all worked out:
Illinois Fighting Illini v. Nevada Wolf Pack: While an actual pack of wolves (wolfpack) might be a danger, a mere Wolf Pack (as in a conveniently packaged selection of wolves) is no threat to the combative natives from the Land of Lincoln. In this Whitman's Sampler of our lupine friends, there's no map to tell you if you're getting a timber wolf, a throat wolf, Winston Wolf, or Wolfie Cohen's Rascal House. That's why they can't win. Fighting Illini.

Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers v. Boston College Eagles: Cold and cheese-headed, these cats will hurled off the heights by Ignatius of Loyola's own majestic raports. Eagles.

UAB Blazers v. Arizona Wildcats: a savage feline versus a sports utility vehicle? In the age of $2+ a gallon gas, better off at the "kiss and ride." Wildcats.

Washington Huskies v. Pacific Tigers: Overfed and oversized youth would normally be at a disadvantge, but Pacific Tigers aren't a team, they're a mutual fund. I rate them "strong sell." The big n'tall boys will grow into their weight. Huskies.

Texas Tech Red Raiders v. Gonzaga Bulldogs: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet, and these dogs will die by the tomahawk in the acrid flats of New Mexico. Red Raiders.

West Virginia Mountaineers v. Wake Forest Demon Deacons: The minions of evil (with their supporting minyans, not evil) will have no trouble with these hillbillies/"sons of the soil" and their attractive cousins/wives. Demon Deacons.

Utah Runnin' Utes v. Oklahoma Sooners: Go back where you came from, Okies, Austin is Injun country! Tom Joad's busy touring with Springsteen, so good luck farming in the dust. Runnin' Utes.

Kentucky Wildcats v. Cincinati Bearcats: While a wildcat is fierce, how can it beat the combined claws and stealth of the cat and the skills of a husky, hairy gay gentleman? Bearcats.

Spartans-Catamounts awaits.

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