A REVIEW OF A MOVIE I VAGUELY REMEMBER: There are places all over the web, like here and here, where you can read reviews of movies the reviewers haven’t seen. Adam, however, frowns on such shoddy journalism. Accordingly, since – with the Eszterhas book and the Elvis Mitchell reference below – Showgirls is in the news again, I give you this Review of a Movie I Vaguely Remember: Showgirls.
Showgirls, which I believe I saw in 1993 or maybe 1995, was directed by Paul Verhoeven and written by Joe Eszterhas, the message of this sentence being “beware of joint Dutch-Hungarian art.” Their thesis was that in Las Vegas, there is a three-tiered hierarchy for women: (3) Stripper; (2) Topless Chorus Girl; and (1) Nearly-Topless Featured Revue Dancer. Actually, their thesis is that there is a fourth tier (hooker), and that each of the other three tiers is just a variant of the fourth, with the difference being the quality of the clientele and the subtlety of the commercial transaction. Clearly Eszterhoeven has forgotten about Tier 5: Korean Blackjack Dealer.
Anyway, our heroine, Jessie (Elizabeth Berkeley), is a doe-eyed dancer with big hair and acid-wash who gets dumped in Vegas by some cad, but that’s okay, because she’s on her way to the top. Some (ahem) big-hearted stripper takes her in. Jessie herself becomes a stripper, which is how her path first crosses with Agent Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan), a mogul with an infinity pool, and his doll Gina (Gina Gershon), Las Vegas’s most celebrated dancer. Really, is there such thing? It’s not like they’re Danny Gans or anything. Gina buys Agent Cooper a lapdance from Jessie, and let’s say it goes very well, according to MacLachlan’s law-school-musical facial expressions.
At this point in the movie, I killed myself.
Jessie, of course, dances her way to the top while possibly compromising her principles on the way. She catches a lot of flack for dancing like a stripper, and I believe she makes out with Gina. Gina may be wearing a top hat at the time. I’m a little foggy on this, because, remember, already I killed myself. At some point in the movie, Eszterhas – or is it Renny Harlin? Or Gregg Allman? – shows up at a party and beats up Jessie’s stripper friend. In the end Jessie zzz snore wha? Is it over?
Listen, I love a good bad movie. I think Cruel Intentions is just about the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. But I had two serious problems with Showgirls. First, I was never sure if it was over and was going to fade to credits. Damn you, Joe Eszterhas! Second, the casting was just wrong. Berkeley can play naked but she can’t play sexy, and I realize I’m in the minority on this but I think Gershon has a cleft palate. And MacLachlan was just distracting – I kept thinking “isn’t he gay?” I’m not saying the movie is not a pleasant enough diversion if you’re drunk and it’s on AMC, but just don’t spend any money on this one.
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