Wednesday, July 30, 2003

OR -- "I NEED TO LEARN TO STAY WITHIN MYSELF": Say what you will -- say what you will about Phillies slugger Pat Burrell's missteps with the bat. His missteps with the microphone are a lot more fun.

From today's family-friendly interview in the Philadelphia Weekly:
"The fans have been fucking great all year," Pat Burrell says, when he finally sits down to talk after either blowing off or ignoring several interview requests over the course of two weeks.

It's understandable that Burrell would blow off interviews, especially one for a story in a Philadelphia publication. What else can the angle possibly be but it? Talking to the press--any press -- is no fun when things are going badly, which is an understatement of epic proportions when it comes to describing what Burrell has been going through this baseball season.

"Well shit, you can definitely hear it," he says when asked about the booing that came early in the season. "It's not like I'm standing up there and I can just block 'em out. Yeah, you hear it, but when you put on this uniform you have a responsibility to 25 guys, to the organization and to the city and fans. If they feel like I'm letting them down, well, that's motivation, that's not crawl in the hole and cry about it. You think, 'Maybe these motherfuckers are right. Maybe I have to step it up a bit.'"

Ah, yes. Us motherfuckers who come out 30,000 strong night after night and cheer his slumping ass.

For Burrell, this isn't the first time he's said a bit more than he should have. In an interview with Penthouse last year, he told his fans way more than they needed to know about his relationship with terry cloth:
Q: Is it true that your off-season home of Clearwater, Florida has strip joints on every corner?

A: It does seem like there's one on every corner. I'm not a big fan of them. Something that surprised me at this one strip joint was when you walk in, they give you a towel. I asked, "What do I need this for?" The guy at the door said, "Trust me, you will." I said, "Let me get this straight: the girl is going to dance for however long the song is -- and I'm going to need this towel?" Let me tell you, I needed the towel. I don't know what happened. Nothing of mine touched anything of hers. But it just doesn't make sense.

I'm going to suggest that Pat memorize this exchange between Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins from Bull Durham:
Crash Davis: It's time to work on your interviews.

Nuke LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis: You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."

Nuke LaLoosh: Got to play... it's pretty boring.

Crash Davis: 'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

While we all wait for Pat Burrell Towel Day at the Vet, all kids 14 and under will receive a replica Pat Burrell bat this Sunday afternoon. I hope the they have more luck with it than he has.

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